I always wanted a daughter
But I have to say goodbye, so I can love myself
To the daughter I never had;
You are the one I’ve buried beneath all others.
My biggest disappointment.
My most feared development come true.
You are the one that makes me cry uncontrollably at touching father daughter moments in movies. And the one who finds me at night with my face buried in my pillow so no one will hear my broken heart.
But it is time my child; I must let you go.
I must find a way to be happy, and love myself, despite knowing that I will never feel your infant breath on my neck as you fall asleep on my shoulder. I will never read you stories in funny voices, and will never hold you silently as you suffer your first broken heart.
I will never play guitar while you look on with a crooked smile, as we make up silly songs to sing to your mother.
I won’t ever get to wonder if I’m a horrible father when you fall off your bike because I pushed you too soon to take the training wheels off.
You will never meet my grandparents, or any of the rest of my amazing family and friends.
They would have shown you what love looks like.
I will never cry as I see you throw your graduation cap in the air, and I will never look in to your eyes as you hug me goodbye, and see what true love looks like staring back at me.
I will never get to show you, with a well practiced look, how proud of you I am as I walk you down the aisle. And I will never get to give your fiance an equally practiced to look, with which he will understand without question, that I would happily spend the rest of my life in prison should he ever harm you.
You see my girl;
all of my favorite memories were going to be of you.
But I missed my chance. Too much time has passed in this lifetime, and quite frankly, I do not think we were supposed to meet this time around.
And I need to accept that.
Because I need to be willing to make my own favorite memories now. Ones only dependent on me, because the only person who controls how I feel is me.
I need to love myself, as you would have loved me.
Because I promise you, my girl,
I would have been a great father to you.
So goodbye, my sweet, precious child.
Shine your light on me as I navigate the darkness. And thank you for showing me the way back.
