Why is it so Hard to Say, ‘I’m Sorry?”
And when did it become a character flaw to be wrong sometimes?
“I’m sorry, I was wrong. I screwed up and will do the best moving forward to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
When did these become the hardest words in basically any language for us humans to say?
What is it about admitting we were wrong that makes us feel less than?
Why do we see the words “I’m sorry” as an indication of weakness or as something that may lessen how other people see us?
Or, more to point, how we see ourselves?
Learning to admit when we are wrong, and being comfortable in doing so, has more power to affect change than I believe almost any other lesson we could learn.
To put it simply;
We all need to start owning up to our own shit and quit being so insecure.
I find myself wondering a lot these days if as a people we have ever been this divided. And if this is so, then how did we get here? I speak not only of ‘us’ as individuals, but also, and possibly even more importantly, at a governmental level. Our ‘leaders’ (and I say that with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek and with more than just a hint of a bad taste in my mouth) have moved past looking to earn the trust of their constituents, and now seem to focus more on the best ways to rally their base and stay in office. And this happens on both sides of the aisle.
· ‘This is all China’s fault.’
· ‘The WHO should have done their job better and we wouldn’t be in this situation.’
· ‘If we didn’t have to send transfer payments to Quebec, Alberta would be just fine.’
· ‘I’ve been looking for a job, but these damn immigrants have come in and taken them all!’
· ‘Sure, Black Lives Matter, but … (anything that follows these words is bullshit and just an indication of one’s own insecurities).’
Now, I may be crazy (certainly there is an ex girlfriend or two out there that would likely second that statement) but I just can’t help but think our road back to ‘normal’ and ‘safe’ living couldn’t help but be accelerated if we owned up to our own shit and replaced these phrases with the following;
· ‘Yeah, this started in China, but it could have started anywhere. And I imagine if it started here in Canada and people around the world were blaming us for all these deaths it probably wouldn’t seem fair and would likely make us feel terrible and guilty. What can we do to work with China and other countries to learn as much as we can as fast as we can, without party politics slowing us down, to do everything we can to save lives going forward? We could have done better. And on behalf of all Canadians, I apologize.’
· ‘I can’t imagine how difficult it must be running and working within an organization like the WHO. Almost 200 countries are members, all donate different dollar amounts towards operations, those who donate more expect more of a say, any time you do something they don’t agree with (even though it is clearly the right decision as determined by some of the best doctors and scientists in the world) they threaten to pull funding and risk your work actually making a difference. I wonder what we could do to try and help eliminate the bureaucracy in the WHO and help them be allowed to focus on their main goal; saving human lives. It was immature of us to throw them under the bus, and we are sorry for that. Let’s make this right.’
· ‘You know, yeah I can see how these transfer payments seem ridiculous, especially how it seems that despite taking the money for all these years, when Alberta needed them, the receivers of these payments have not been there to support us. But you know what? Putting your future happiness and comforts in the hands of others only leaves you waiting for things to play out and gives you no certainty whatsoever as to how things will play out. I can’t help but think that if we here in Alberta had done a better job of managing, investing and saving the billions upon billions of oil and gas dollars that have flown through our coffers for the past few decades, maybe we could have avoided three recessions in just over a decade. Why don’t we commit to better fiscal responsibility of the money we DO keep in Alberta, and try and tame this roller coaster of an economy that has become old hat to us? We should have done much better in this regard, and we apologise for that, sincerely, and here is our plan to make this dream a reality.’
· Just … please stop. There is not a single arena for this topic that annoys me more than when we Canadians take to blaming others for us not being able to find a job. Well, I’m sorry, these words may make you spit coffee and throw your phone, but here it is; Stop whining, get off your ass, and try harder.
We are blessed to live in a democratic, free market society where the only limitations we have are those we put on ourselves. You ever think the reason that person who just moved to Canada (just like MANY of your own relatives did at one point in the not so distant past I might add) got the job over you is because they work harder and bitch less than you do?
I’ve been through 3 Alberta recessions myself. For the vast majority of those as a small business owner. I also went and worked as a roughneck on a drilling rig at the age of 40 for a year, proving to myself that as long as you know how to work hard, you’ll always eat. And when the price of oil went from $75 a barrel to $25 and the rig shut down, I went to work for myself again, hanging up flyers in dog parks and doing literally whatever small job someone would call me and ask me to do. And guess what, no one moved into the country and stole my job. Weird right?
So, try it this way;
“I’m sorry. Losing my job made me feel very insecure and scared for my future. These insecurities came out as racist and ignorant. I will do better going forward, and I now realize that the only person in charge of my own future and security is me. And I am hard working, smart, honest and a good person, so as long as I remember that everything will work out for me.”
- “I’m sorry. I was so focused on my own problems, my own insecurities, my own battle scars, that I never really took time to think about just how hard it has been for you. Growing up white, I simply never had to endure all the things you had to. And now that I think about it, I can see that this must have had a tremendous effect on you. It must have been hard for you to trust. To believe. To endure. And, most importantly, to love. And you know what? That’s not fair. The color of your skin has nothingn to do with the quality of your character, and you deserved every opportunity the rest of us were given, and it breaks my heart that your road was paved with so many obstacles, and, more importantly, that so many of us turned a blind eye to it.”
“I’m sorry. I really am.
And I am listening now. How can I help?”
I know this may all sound a little vitriolic, but I promise you it comes from a good place. I only want us humans to be better. To be the stand-up human beings I know we can be. I want us to say things like,
‘No one is going to take my job from me, because I will work harder and smarter than them, and if they want to try, I dare them to.’
And ‘Let’s be honest, we are the ones who got us in to this mess, now let’s stop bitching and complaining, it’s not who we are. Let’s put our heads together, come up with some solutions, and make this a better, more reliable world to live in for our children.’
And ‘I know I didn’t vote for this party, but I’m confident in myself enough to say that, through what was clearly an unprecedented and extremely tough to navigate situation, I am pretty proud of how some of our leaders came together and set aside their differences, and ultimately saved the lives of many Canadians.’
And, ‘I’m sorry, I was just being silly. The doctors and scientists who represent our federal organizations were not lying to us. In fact, the work ethic, calm under pressure, and detail-oriented planning and execution they came up with and executed quickly and efficiently through this pandemic was actually pretty damn impressive and inspiring. Maybe I will sign up for that 5G network Afterall.’
(I’m sorry. I had to add at least one jab at the conspiracy theorists. I mean, come on now, be better.)
And, most importantly, “I’m sorry. Now that I think about it, judging someone as less than for something they literally had no control over, such as skin color, gender, sexual identity etc, is just basic and, quite fankly, ignorant and stupid. I will do better going forward, and I will see all humans as my brothers and sisters.”
To put it plainly; I know we are better than this.
I know the vast majority of human beings just want to do what’s right, earn an honest living, be there for others when they need us, and give all human beings, regardless of differences, an equal opportunity to grow, succeed and prosper.
And I’ll admit, there may have been a time when I gave up on believing this was ever possible. For that, I would like to say just one thing;
“I’m sorry. I lost my faith in us for a while there. I will do my best to make sure that never happens again in the future.”
